Q I M I N

Never have I thought I would be so happy without you, remember when I cursed at the winds saying I will never get over you, I will be hung on you forever, I'm so thankful it fucking ended.
Not that I wasn't grateful it even happened to begin with, I am grateful it happened, it taught me a lot - it taught me what I didn't want in my life. I didn't want to be treated as a spare-tyre, to be constantly thrown aside when unneeded, to be used as a toy and as a stepping stone in so many aspects. I do not want to dwell on whatever happened, because it was a fucking nightmare, it was torturous to the bones and I can never forget how it felt like to be constantly enduring and treated that way. While I was honestly secretly basking in happiness about your failed relationship attempt, I was feeling pure sympathy for you, for you gave up on someone who could have gave you the world, for someone who didn't want you as much as you wanted her. And I thought for you that it might suck feeling that way as I did, having a tiny taste of your own god damned medicine. But I do not curse it upon you, neither did I wished for that to happen to you, but I do not deny that little bit of happiness when I found someone else to rely on faster than you did. That I found someone stable, and more mature and capable of handing my shitty attitude and not giving shit excuses about stuff.
Honestly, when I started dating someone younger than me again, I was afraid because of the past relationship I sacrificed quite a lot for, for a younger boy. But that was years ago, and H definitely acts more mature beyond his age. There might be times we can't stand each other, but it is all normal as at the end of the day we manage to resolve our conflicts within our quarrels and some bad tiffs at times, and now I'm rather happy to say that I don't feel stressed in a relationship with him. I'm not that afraid of losing someone, because this feels more tangible, more strongly grasped and built on a stronger foundation. For I know, he started liking me for myself and not for any form of satisfaction like some other guys would.
I am happier now than ever, and I would like to officially declare I'm over and done with you & your bullshit.

I'm utterly shattered but I've been picking up the pieces by myself, I'm doing fine I guess.
I still miss you time to time but I know I have to stay out of your way now that you have someone else. I'm even afraid to see you now, I'm afraid the feelings would come like a pang, & tear me apart. I'm only hoping you would never forget me. For you meant a lot to me, even with all that going on, and all the hurt you've made me undergo these past few weeks, I still secretly hope we still had a chance. Of course, I know now's not the time, I don't have time to commit, & you don't have feelings for me anymore. I just I'm just kinda naive in hoping we still had something.
I remember all the promises we made each other, & I know those are the exact same promises you'll be making to your new girl. "I'll never leave you." "You are my world." "You are the best, no one will ever replace you." I don't know but this break up came as a shock to me because I felt that we were doing just fine, but I guess somewhere along the way juggling with studies, work & our relationship, we lost focus of what we were fighting for. We lost ourselves trying so hard.
I choose to believe we both gave each other our very best, and that it is a loss that I have to get over because this is really not the time.
Who knows? Maybe someday in the future, you would still harbor the slightest feelings for me, and we could give this another shot.
But I know well enough that I will have to stay out of your way for now, despite how much I've fought for you the past few weeks, & despite how much I was willing to give you, I know I can't give you what someone else could give you, which is what you need.
I'm really sorry we couldn't work out, maybe I didn't show you that I wanted you bad enough, but all these is too late. There's nothing else to say that would salvage this situation. I am grateful for because of you, I finally let go of my past relationships. I used to dwell over them even though I might be in another relationship at that point of time, but you made me get over them easily. You were the best, this I can't deny, and I know I won't be your best in time to come, for I didn't give you enough. But I still hope that I made a significant impact in your life, at least make me a few chapters in your book rather than just an insignificant line.
I always thought if I tried hard enough, if I gave you enough space, if I loved you enough, we would work out. But never would I have imagined that in that time I gave you, you replaced me. I was just a rest stop for you to move on and find someone better. It is undeniably the fact but hurts me that I didn't mean as much as you meant to me.
But honestly, all this negativity got to go. I need to move on. I can't keep dwelling over you my love. My diaries are filled. I've cried buckets. I believe I've done enough trying to fight for you. I honestly do. I'm sorry but I'm going to stop caring, stop checking you up. You are fine without me, and I'm okay with that. It's really great to see you with someone else who complete you. It's honestly really great for I could never complete you, especially on all those empty nights. I'm happy for you. Although I might still be dwelling and hiding in my sad little bubble, I will stop bothering you. Because you deserve that much.
I'm letting go because I love you this much, and honestly, I'm not strong enough to stay & see you with someone else. I honestly am not strong enough for this, and for this, I'm going to move on. For myself. I'm going to start doing something for myself, I need so start loving myself. Because if I don't, no one would.
I'm not saying I won't put anyone else as my priority ever again, because I know myself that I will move on to someone else soon, and that person might be the center of my world. But for now, I'm going to treat myself better, for I realized, I've always compromised myself for the people I love and I deserve a break.

I think I'm on the verge of giving up.

I honestly wish you the best from the very bottom of my heart, we both had a lot to gain from this r/s, and we both lost tons as well. As much as I am grateful for you ever being a part of my life, I am at the same time regretful of the horrid aftermath and last few months of the r/s. It was the very first time I deeply regretted the actions I have took and if I were to choose again, I would have left it be and never started over again. We both (or was it only me) had high hopes of starting anew because we thought we settled out our feelings for one another, which was indescribable. We would never have expected this outcome, or you have had expected it all along and just wanted a toy for your needs. I have been a fool, and I will never be a fool for you again. As much as I still loved you, after discovering the truth, I know I could never be with someone as despicable as to lie to me without even batting half an eyelid. I wanted a truthful and reliable r/s whereas you were looking for a hot r/s, never actually meaning to settle down. You never meant even half of what you ever promised, much less said.
As much as I hate to admit, I constantly check on you to see how you're doing, and how you're progressing and being happy without me. And I'm glad I've always been checking on you as it let me see how fast you've move on and reminded me of what I've been to you, to actually allow me to let go.
To be honest, I took a long time to let go of us, and it didn't start from us breaking up for the final time. It started ever since we got back together. There was this intangible feeling, perhaps a premonition, that you were to leave anytime, and I had enough of my own second guessing and began to slowly move on from you, which made the whole break up a lot easier for me.
I guess, for now I am pretty happy as I'm undergoing this honeymoon period and I don't really know how to  make of this r/s. Perhaps I am afraid to fall again, but I constantly remind myself that I will not to someone else what you did to me, as they are totally undeserving. I guess I could try to be happy, and get over the fucking shit you left me with.

Friday, officially the worst day of my week.
Found out the worst things I would have never imagined, had a family member end up in the hospital. Dear God, how much more do you want to torture me? What more do you ask for from me?
It's quite sad because I was actually branded something very nasty for the things I did not do, yet for the things he did (which was way worse than mine, and I didn't know until yesterday) he still could brand me that kind of insult. What's worse is I actually asked him and he lied to me. Forgoing the fact that what he done, because he actually did it while we weren't together, but lying to me and misleading me to believe that everything was my fault was unforgivable. I even foolishly swallowed my pride, and beg, seriously lowered down my volume wailing and begging, for him to not leave. Yet at the end of the day, I felt like I've been cheated on, though it technically isn't the case.
There were so many hints by so many people, yet my love for him blinded me from seeing the truth, from seeing how he had succeeded in lying to me. I should have known, this I could only blame myself for my own ignorance.

However, discovering the truth did 2 things to me:
1) I finally feel relieved.
I know I should hate him for ever doing this to me, but I feel much more relieved as I know that I did not do anything wrong and it isn't that I'm not good enough for him. As he insisted, I now choose to believe that he does not deserve me.
2) I can finally let go.  
My own moral values make me despise people who does something like this, and as much as I would love to hate him, I can't bring myself to. But now I can easily let go, I have zero intention of going back to him/asking him back any more. I am finally free from this nightmare.

I know that this will have a very big impact on me and this should serve as a reminder to me to actually heed to other people's advice and to not be as silly as before. I don't blame anyone for this incident, only my own soft-heartedness for accepting him when he came to find me in the middle of the night. I will harden my heart and build up higher walls, unbreakable ones least he comes knocking it down again like nobody's business. I will no longer be at anyone's beck and call, I will be my own hero. I won't act like a damsel in distress as from now on, I will try to be independent. (see what being dependent on one person did to me)

This will be the start of me loving myself more than anything and anyone else.

I know you've lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way, it is irrelevant - you cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts upon you.
Which is why I am not here to tell you tomorrow is another day. That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this; it's okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes you so much more human. And though I can't promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that it will - eventually. For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need.

The distance between us is getting overwhelming. Should I have agreed when you brought up the idea of separation for good? Should I have not clung on so tightly to what used to make me whole? I honestly don't know any more. I wished I knew better, I wished I knew what to do. If holding on to you is such a misery and invokes so much negative emotions and thoughts, should I let go and let you roam about with your freedom? I don't want to tie you down either way. I don't wish to be an obstacle, I want the best for you.
Regardless of the countless times you ask me to scram off, I never did as I always felt that you didn't really want me to scram. But one day, if you really mean it, and if you really want me to get out of your life, I will get it the first time you tell me to 'get lost'.

Because love is not about possession, love is about appreciation. 
If I can't give you what you need, letting go seems like a much better choice.  

L O V I N G   Y O U


I saw him the other day.
His arms around another girl, his eyes when they met with mine--were slow in their recognition.

I wonder if he remembers what I once told him.
I will love you forever.
He had smiled at me sadly before giving his reply.
But I am so afraid you may one day stop.

Now all these years later, I am the one who is afraid. Because I love him, I still do. I haven't stopped. I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will.

I'm sorry if I lied to you when you asked me if I was okay. I'm sorry if I lied when you pointed out the marks on the back of my arms. I'm sorry if I said it was the dog, it wasn't, and as a point of fact, she has never scratched me. I'm sorry if I lied to you when you asked did you eat. I'm sorry if I lied to you about where I've been or what I've been doing. I've been in bed, wishing god would take me. I just assume people don't actually want to hear my reality.

I'm sorry if I left you. I don't really understand how to stick with people when I'm too sad to even put up with myself. I'm sorry if I don't answer your text messages. I'm sorry if I suddenly start distancing myself from you with no explanation. It's because I can't fucking breathe sometimes and too much of me wonders if you aren't better off without my endless harassment. I'm sorry if I left you even while you still saw me every day, if you watched the light die in my eyes and my smile fade.

I'm sorry if I hurt you by lashing out on a bad night. I'm sorry if I hurt you by calling your compliments lies. I'm sorry if I ripped myself open and made you watch me come apart, and I'm sorry that I come apart.

I'm sorry so much and so often and I know by now it probably means nothing but... I'm just

sorry.

I never understood how someone could just come out and say "I do not love you anymore". So casually. As if it just rolled off the tip of their tongue. After all the words and a promise of forever. After all the memories. You cannot just stop loving someone. You cannot just suddenly have change of heart.
You either love me or you never did in the first place.

I hope I find the root of my emotional wrecks. I hope I would actually stop hurting myself places where people don't see, and leave marks that don't last.

R E G R E T 

Time is irrelevant when two people are meant for each other. Its what I once believed.
But we met during a time when I was such a mess and still had so much to figure out. How could I have known how crucial every word, every action was or how losing you would be something I would always regret?
If only you could have met me now, how different would it be. How much I have changed. How I have grown. I learnt so much from all the mistakes I made with you. I just wish I had made them with someone else.

Once there was a boy who couldn't speak but owned a music box which held every song in the world. One day he met a girl who had never heard a single melody in her entire life and so he decided to play her his favourite song. He watched while her face lit up with wonder as the music filled the sky and the poetry of lyrics moved her in a way she had never felt before.

He would play his songs for her day after day and she would sit by him quietly - never seeming to mind that he could only speak to her through songs. She loved everything he played for her, but of them all - she loved the sad songs best. So he began to play them more and more until eventually, sad songs were all she heard.

One day, he noticed it had been a very long time since her last smile. When he asked her why, she took both his hands in hers and kissed them warmly. She thanked him for the gift of music and poetry but above all else - for showing her sadness because she had known neither of these things before him. But it was now time for her to go away - to find someone who could show her what happiness was.

......................................................

Do you remember the song that was playing the night we met?
No, but I remember every song I have heard since you left.

Jealousy
It was the way you spoke about her.
With animosity, regret, disdain and underneath it all - just a hint of pride.

Everyone leaves something behind. Most of the time its is a memory that plays over and over and over again in your head. Or maybe it's a scar, metal pressed against your wrist in the middle of the night while you watch everything turn red, his favourite colour. It could be shattered glass on the floor from that picture frame, that had been laying face down next to the bed for months until you finally broke down and threw it against the wall at 4am, waking the neighbours. Maybe it's a dead phone better because you spent the entire night reading through the old texts and hoping that your phone will ring and maybe this time, it'll be him. Maybe he'll come back. 

I am at your beck and call, all you have to do is tug lightly, I'll be back to you. If you let loose, I'll drift further.

I don't know if I want you, he says. But I do know I don't want anyone else to have you.

It wasn't good enough, I knew that. Honestly I did. In my mind, it was crystal clear. My heart, however, was having a serious case of selective hearing. All it heard was I don't want anyone else to have you. And within that - was a glimmer of hope, a spark of optimism. 

I know better than anything that I only want you. And I know better than anyone that you don't want me. I'm tired of this, I keep promising myself I would get over you, but each and every time there's just one reason that defeats all the others that make me keep hoping that you would actually turn back and tell me I still love you. Foolish I know, but I just keep hoping because other than you, I can't imagine myself with someone else. The very thought that you have someone else you are talking to, that you might be falling or have already fallen for someone else pains me, its tortures me from the very inside of my heart. I'm done with pretending that I'm all right, that I don't need you. I just want to call you and scream how much I love you, but again, no words would describe my emotions, nothing can depict my overwhelming love for you.

I recall when you started to love me, you wanted to get close to me. You would find all sorts of reasons and excuses to see me, to spend more time with me. You pretended you kissed me on accident but I played along, I pretended I don't know anything. You held me close on the bus rides home, I loved your warmth, I loved your smell, but I never realised I was actually falling for you. I never should have done so, falling for someone is so silly, there's no one there to catch me. But still, you did. You promised to share all my joy, happiness, woes and tears, and I believed every word of it. I enjoyed every minute with you, even before we were together. When I couldn't get myself to distant from you, I knew better that I begun to love you.

After we got together, the butterflies never went away. Every time you get close, every touch, every kiss, I couldn't get over it. I feel the very tingling sensation every time you came near. And during that time, I could have never love anyone any more than I loved you. Yet I continued to fooled myself and you that I still have feelings for him, but what is that compared to what I have for you? I never realised till today. I never thought you would have made me forget every single thing about him. All I can remember is your touch, never his. Your kiss, never his. Your words, never his. Your smell, never his. I've never been so addicted to someone before its actually killing me deep inside. I want to know whatever is happening to you but I don't want to know too much. I know that it would kill every single tiny hope I have in me.

I actually believed in forever in us. I loved you because you never gave up on me no matter how much bullshits I put you through. But this time, you gave way. Maybe you had enough. Maybe I wasn't good enough. I don't want to believe I have ever been a substitution. Perhaps the reason why I often pushed you away was because I loved the way you would chase me nevertheless, because it made me feel loved. But I went too far this time round. You aren't coming back. You ain't loving me no more. And the very thought of that wrings all I have in me.

And after all this time, I'm still into you. I never realised how much I really really loved you. Thought it wasn't long, but I realised you are the most important thing to me ever, that I would actually willingly give up everything for. But guess you were too busy noticing things I did for you, that you gave up on me. Yes, I may be someone who constantly chides about giving  up, about letting you go, but I never did. I never gave up on you. instead, the one who promised everything in the world, took everything I had in my world away from me.

sigh why is everything happening like this
I don't want things this way
why
why
why





I want to die

I didn't want to be this way, to be this broken.

I think I fell in love hard
when I least expected it
but I left on my own accord
just b'cus I was too afraid
to fall again

silly, silly me
hurting myself all over again

its only affecting me, u r ok with this. i guess its just me being fucking silly as usual.

i attempted describing my emotions for the past few days/weeks/months and i ended up staring at this blank space. this was what i felt, 'emptiness'. it gets so fucking bad that i'm numb and immune to this pain that i can barely feel anything any longer.
i loved people who never gave a damn about me, i cared about people who betray my trust yet i'm still the only one trying to fix things. there's a never ending list about this shit but it all boils down to one thing, i've been a fool for way too long.

sigh, time to get behind my facade x

this space has been empty for quite some time already

think i shld use this space more since i've actually put quite a lot of effort into this blog months/years ago
also will become part of my memory when i grow up i'll look back to this blog n laugh at myself for being so stupid rn
some times some things just run thru my mind, some things unbearable, some things driving me to the very edge. some people just love to see me break and wither, they throw 'love' ard simply i occasionally wonder what is it that made them this way. a past love? or smth else i dont know. but why wld they inflict this same hurt back on me. is it really fun to see me breaking at the seams, falling apart and all alone. or has it already became hobby of theirs, to hurt others. i mean i hurt people unintentionally, i tend to be overly emotionally reliant on people (which i doubt is a gd thing), but always in a rs, the other party wld tell me to rely on them on everything, they will be there etc but i've been proven otherwise. they make promises as tho its a greeting, they throw 'love' ard as tho it is worthless. many say 'hate' is a strong word they wld not like to use it to express it as a form of emotion towards someone but why so many use 'love' when they rly dont mean it. are they confused with love or they just love seeing people being broken apart at such lies.
people usually make promises they can't do, worse still forget about making such a promise which actually show how much thought they actually made into a promise. most of the time its just a casual remark.
i dont like expressing myself nowadays i can't tell people how i feel i can't let myself go anymore. i feel like some part of me is missing and maybe that part is you, i have no idea. but i wish i could fix myself and become stronger since thats what they say. "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but its already killing me right from the inside. times i feel emotionless i need a good book to actually feel, to actually feel feelings of the characters but some times i just lose touch with myself. i dont know who i am anymore. i hate being in any company with anyone i like being alone i like being in my own world where i can just keep mum abt everything n just.. maybe learn to love myself more
i think thats what i need, love myself more. i always loved others more than myself but people dont knw it til im gone or after they lose me.
thats alright for now i have nothing to say anymore
off to be in my own world x