L O V I N G   Y O U


I saw him the other day.
His arms around another girl, his eyes when they met with mine--were slow in their recognition.

I wonder if he remembers what I once told him.
I will love you forever.
He had smiled at me sadly before giving his reply.
But I am so afraid you may one day stop.

Now all these years later, I am the one who is afraid. Because I love him, I still do. I haven't stopped. I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will.

I'm sorry if I lied to you when you asked me if I was okay. I'm sorry if I lied when you pointed out the marks on the back of my arms. I'm sorry if I said it was the dog, it wasn't, and as a point of fact, she has never scratched me. I'm sorry if I lied to you when you asked did you eat. I'm sorry if I lied to you about where I've been or what I've been doing. I've been in bed, wishing god would take me. I just assume people don't actually want to hear my reality.

I'm sorry if I left you. I don't really understand how to stick with people when I'm too sad to even put up with myself. I'm sorry if I don't answer your text messages. I'm sorry if I suddenly start distancing myself from you with no explanation. It's because I can't fucking breathe sometimes and too much of me wonders if you aren't better off without my endless harassment. I'm sorry if I left you even while you still saw me every day, if you watched the light die in my eyes and my smile fade.

I'm sorry if I hurt you by lashing out on a bad night. I'm sorry if I hurt you by calling your compliments lies. I'm sorry if I ripped myself open and made you watch me come apart, and I'm sorry that I come apart.

I'm sorry so much and so often and I know by now it probably means nothing but... I'm just

sorry.