Q I M I N

I know you've lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way, it is irrelevant - you cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts upon you.
Which is why I am not here to tell you tomorrow is another day. That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this; it's okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes you so much more human. And though I can't promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that it will - eventually. For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need.

The distance between us is getting overwhelming. Should I have agreed when you brought up the idea of separation for good? Should I have not clung on so tightly to what used to make me whole? I honestly don't know any more. I wished I knew better, I wished I knew what to do. If holding on to you is such a misery and invokes so much negative emotions and thoughts, should I let go and let you roam about with your freedom? I don't want to tie you down either way. I don't wish to be an obstacle, I want the best for you.
Regardless of the countless times you ask me to scram off, I never did as I always felt that you didn't really want me to scram. But one day, if you really mean it, and if you really want me to get out of your life, I will get it the first time you tell me to 'get lost'.

Because love is not about possession, love is about appreciation. 
If I can't give you what you need, letting go seems like a much better choice.  

L O V I N G   Y O U


I saw him the other day.
His arms around another girl, his eyes when they met with mine--were slow in their recognition.

I wonder if he remembers what I once told him.
I will love you forever.
He had smiled at me sadly before giving his reply.
But I am so afraid you may one day stop.

Now all these years later, I am the one who is afraid. Because I love him, I still do. I haven't stopped. I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will.

I'm sorry if I lied to you when you asked me if I was okay. I'm sorry if I lied when you pointed out the marks on the back of my arms. I'm sorry if I said it was the dog, it wasn't, and as a point of fact, she has never scratched me. I'm sorry if I lied to you when you asked did you eat. I'm sorry if I lied to you about where I've been or what I've been doing. I've been in bed, wishing god would take me. I just assume people don't actually want to hear my reality.

I'm sorry if I left you. I don't really understand how to stick with people when I'm too sad to even put up with myself. I'm sorry if I don't answer your text messages. I'm sorry if I suddenly start distancing myself from you with no explanation. It's because I can't fucking breathe sometimes and too much of me wonders if you aren't better off without my endless harassment. I'm sorry if I left you even while you still saw me every day, if you watched the light die in my eyes and my smile fade.

I'm sorry if I hurt you by lashing out on a bad night. I'm sorry if I hurt you by calling your compliments lies. I'm sorry if I ripped myself open and made you watch me come apart, and I'm sorry that I come apart.

I'm sorry so much and so often and I know by now it probably means nothing but... I'm just

sorry.

I never understood how someone could just come out and say "I do not love you anymore". So casually. As if it just rolled off the tip of their tongue. After all the words and a promise of forever. After all the memories. You cannot just stop loving someone. You cannot just suddenly have change of heart.
You either love me or you never did in the first place.

I hope I find the root of my emotional wrecks. I hope I would actually stop hurting myself places where people don't see, and leave marks that don't last.

R E G R E T 

Time is irrelevant when two people are meant for each other. Its what I once believed.
But we met during a time when I was such a mess and still had so much to figure out. How could I have known how crucial every word, every action was or how losing you would be something I would always regret?
If only you could have met me now, how different would it be. How much I have changed. How I have grown. I learnt so much from all the mistakes I made with you. I just wish I had made them with someone else.

Once there was a boy who couldn't speak but owned a music box which held every song in the world. One day he met a girl who had never heard a single melody in her entire life and so he decided to play her his favourite song. He watched while her face lit up with wonder as the music filled the sky and the poetry of lyrics moved her in a way she had never felt before.

He would play his songs for her day after day and she would sit by him quietly - never seeming to mind that he could only speak to her through songs. She loved everything he played for her, but of them all - she loved the sad songs best. So he began to play them more and more until eventually, sad songs were all she heard.

One day, he noticed it had been a very long time since her last smile. When he asked her why, she took both his hands in hers and kissed them warmly. She thanked him for the gift of music and poetry but above all else - for showing her sadness because she had known neither of these things before him. But it was now time for her to go away - to find someone who could show her what happiness was.

......................................................

Do you remember the song that was playing the night we met?
No, but I remember every song I have heard since you left.

Jealousy
It was the way you spoke about her.
With animosity, regret, disdain and underneath it all - just a hint of pride.

Everyone leaves something behind. Most of the time its is a memory that plays over and over and over again in your head. Or maybe it's a scar, metal pressed against your wrist in the middle of the night while you watch everything turn red, his favourite colour. It could be shattered glass on the floor from that picture frame, that had been laying face down next to the bed for months until you finally broke down and threw it against the wall at 4am, waking the neighbours. Maybe it's a dead phone better because you spent the entire night reading through the old texts and hoping that your phone will ring and maybe this time, it'll be him. Maybe he'll come back. 

I am at your beck and call, all you have to do is tug lightly, I'll be back to you. If you let loose, I'll drift further.

I don't know if I want you, he says. But I do know I don't want anyone else to have you.

It wasn't good enough, I knew that. Honestly I did. In my mind, it was crystal clear. My heart, however, was having a serious case of selective hearing. All it heard was I don't want anyone else to have you. And within that - was a glimmer of hope, a spark of optimism. 

I know better than anything that I only want you. And I know better than anyone that you don't want me. I'm tired of this, I keep promising myself I would get over you, but each and every time there's just one reason that defeats all the others that make me keep hoping that you would actually turn back and tell me I still love you. Foolish I know, but I just keep hoping because other than you, I can't imagine myself with someone else. The very thought that you have someone else you are talking to, that you might be falling or have already fallen for someone else pains me, its tortures me from the very inside of my heart. I'm done with pretending that I'm all right, that I don't need you. I just want to call you and scream how much I love you, but again, no words would describe my emotions, nothing can depict my overwhelming love for you.

I recall when you started to love me, you wanted to get close to me. You would find all sorts of reasons and excuses to see me, to spend more time with me. You pretended you kissed me on accident but I played along, I pretended I don't know anything. You held me close on the bus rides home, I loved your warmth, I loved your smell, but I never realised I was actually falling for you. I never should have done so, falling for someone is so silly, there's no one there to catch me. But still, you did. You promised to share all my joy, happiness, woes and tears, and I believed every word of it. I enjoyed every minute with you, even before we were together. When I couldn't get myself to distant from you, I knew better that I begun to love you.

After we got together, the butterflies never went away. Every time you get close, every touch, every kiss, I couldn't get over it. I feel the very tingling sensation every time you came near. And during that time, I could have never love anyone any more than I loved you. Yet I continued to fooled myself and you that I still have feelings for him, but what is that compared to what I have for you? I never realised till today. I never thought you would have made me forget every single thing about him. All I can remember is your touch, never his. Your kiss, never his. Your words, never his. Your smell, never his. I've never been so addicted to someone before its actually killing me deep inside. I want to know whatever is happening to you but I don't want to know too much. I know that it would kill every single tiny hope I have in me.

I actually believed in forever in us. I loved you because you never gave up on me no matter how much bullshits I put you through. But this time, you gave way. Maybe you had enough. Maybe I wasn't good enough. I don't want to believe I have ever been a substitution. Perhaps the reason why I often pushed you away was because I loved the way you would chase me nevertheless, because it made me feel loved. But I went too far this time round. You aren't coming back. You ain't loving me no more. And the very thought of that wrings all I have in me.

And after all this time, I'm still into you. I never realised how much I really really loved you. Thought it wasn't long, but I realised you are the most important thing to me ever, that I would actually willingly give up everything for. But guess you were too busy noticing things I did for you, that you gave up on me. Yes, I may be someone who constantly chides about giving  up, about letting you go, but I never did. I never gave up on you. instead, the one who promised everything in the world, took everything I had in my world away from me.

sigh why is everything happening like this
I don't want things this way
why
why
why





I want to die

I didn't want to be this way, to be this broken.

I think I fell in love hard
when I least expected it
but I left on my own accord
just b'cus I was too afraid
to fall again

silly, silly me
hurting myself all over again

its only affecting me, u r ok with this. i guess its just me being fucking silly as usual.

i attempted describing my emotions for the past few days/weeks/months and i ended up staring at this blank space. this was what i felt, 'emptiness'. it gets so fucking bad that i'm numb and immune to this pain that i can barely feel anything any longer.
i loved people who never gave a damn about me, i cared about people who betray my trust yet i'm still the only one trying to fix things. there's a never ending list about this shit but it all boils down to one thing, i've been a fool for way too long.

sigh, time to get behind my facade x

this space has been empty for quite some time already

think i shld use this space more since i've actually put quite a lot of effort into this blog months/years ago
also will become part of my memory when i grow up i'll look back to this blog n laugh at myself for being so stupid rn
some times some things just run thru my mind, some things unbearable, some things driving me to the very edge. some people just love to see me break and wither, they throw 'love' ard simply i occasionally wonder what is it that made them this way. a past love? or smth else i dont know. but why wld they inflict this same hurt back on me. is it really fun to see me breaking at the seams, falling apart and all alone. or has it already became hobby of theirs, to hurt others. i mean i hurt people unintentionally, i tend to be overly emotionally reliant on people (which i doubt is a gd thing), but always in a rs, the other party wld tell me to rely on them on everything, they will be there etc but i've been proven otherwise. they make promises as tho its a greeting, they throw 'love' ard as tho it is worthless. many say 'hate' is a strong word they wld not like to use it to express it as a form of emotion towards someone but why so many use 'love' when they rly dont mean it. are they confused with love or they just love seeing people being broken apart at such lies.
people usually make promises they can't do, worse still forget about making such a promise which actually show how much thought they actually made into a promise. most of the time its just a casual remark.
i dont like expressing myself nowadays i can't tell people how i feel i can't let myself go anymore. i feel like some part of me is missing and maybe that part is you, i have no idea. but i wish i could fix myself and become stronger since thats what they say. "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but its already killing me right from the inside. times i feel emotionless i need a good book to actually feel, to actually feel feelings of the characters but some times i just lose touch with myself. i dont know who i am anymore. i hate being in any company with anyone i like being alone i like being in my own world where i can just keep mum abt everything n just.. maybe learn to love myself more
i think thats what i need, love myself more. i always loved others more than myself but people dont knw it til im gone or after they lose me.
thats alright for now i have nothing to say anymore
off to be in my own world x