Q I M I N

I honestly wish you the best from the very bottom of my heart, we both had a lot to gain from this r/s, and we both lost tons as well. As much as I am grateful for you ever being a part of my life, I am at the same time regretful of the horrid aftermath and last few months of the r/s. It was the very first time I deeply regretted the actions I have took and if I were to choose again, I would have left it be and never started over again. We both (or was it only me) had high hopes of starting anew because we thought we settled out our feelings for one another, which was indescribable. We would never have expected this outcome, or you have had expected it all along and just wanted a toy for your needs. I have been a fool, and I will never be a fool for you again. As much as I still loved you, after discovering the truth, I know I could never be with someone as despicable as to lie to me without even batting half an eyelid. I wanted a truthful and reliable r/s whereas you were looking for a hot r/s, never actually meaning to settle down. You never meant even half of what you ever promised, much less said.
As much as I hate to admit, I constantly check on you to see how you're doing, and how you're progressing and being happy without me. And I'm glad I've always been checking on you as it let me see how fast you've move on and reminded me of what I've been to you, to actually allow me to let go.
To be honest, I took a long time to let go of us, and it didn't start from us breaking up for the final time. It started ever since we got back together. There was this intangible feeling, perhaps a premonition, that you were to leave anytime, and I had enough of my own second guessing and began to slowly move on from you, which made the whole break up a lot easier for me.
I guess, for now I am pretty happy as I'm undergoing this honeymoon period and I don't really know how to  make of this r/s. Perhaps I am afraid to fall again, but I constantly remind myself that I will not to someone else what you did to me, as they are totally undeserving. I guess I could try to be happy, and get over the fucking shit you left me with.

Friday, officially the worst day of my week.
Found out the worst things I would have never imagined, had a family member end up in the hospital. Dear God, how much more do you want to torture me? What more do you ask for from me?
It's quite sad because I was actually branded something very nasty for the things I did not do, yet for the things he did (which was way worse than mine, and I didn't know until yesterday) he still could brand me that kind of insult. What's worse is I actually asked him and he lied to me. Forgoing the fact that what he done, because he actually did it while we weren't together, but lying to me and misleading me to believe that everything was my fault was unforgivable. I even foolishly swallowed my pride, and beg, seriously lowered down my volume wailing and begging, for him to not leave. Yet at the end of the day, I felt like I've been cheated on, though it technically isn't the case.
There were so many hints by so many people, yet my love for him blinded me from seeing the truth, from seeing how he had succeeded in lying to me. I should have known, this I could only blame myself for my own ignorance.

However, discovering the truth did 2 things to me:
1) I finally feel relieved.
I know I should hate him for ever doing this to me, but I feel much more relieved as I know that I did not do anything wrong and it isn't that I'm not good enough for him. As he insisted, I now choose to believe that he does not deserve me.
2) I can finally let go.  
My own moral values make me despise people who does something like this, and as much as I would love to hate him, I can't bring myself to. But now I can easily let go, I have zero intention of going back to him/asking him back any more. I am finally free from this nightmare.

I know that this will have a very big impact on me and this should serve as a reminder to me to actually heed to other people's advice and to not be as silly as before. I don't blame anyone for this incident, only my own soft-heartedness for accepting him when he came to find me in the middle of the night. I will harden my heart and build up higher walls, unbreakable ones least he comes knocking it down again like nobody's business. I will no longer be at anyone's beck and call, I will be my own hero. I won't act like a damsel in distress as from now on, I will try to be independent. (see what being dependent on one person did to me)

This will be the start of me loving myself more than anything and anyone else.

I know you've lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way, it is irrelevant - you cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts upon you.
Which is why I am not here to tell you tomorrow is another day. That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this; it's okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes you so much more human. And though I can't promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that it will - eventually. For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need.

The distance between us is getting overwhelming. Should I have agreed when you brought up the idea of separation for good? Should I have not clung on so tightly to what used to make me whole? I honestly don't know any more. I wished I knew better, I wished I knew what to do. If holding on to you is such a misery and invokes so much negative emotions and thoughts, should I let go and let you roam about with your freedom? I don't want to tie you down either way. I don't wish to be an obstacle, I want the best for you.
Regardless of the countless times you ask me to scram off, I never did as I always felt that you didn't really want me to scram. But one day, if you really mean it, and if you really want me to get out of your life, I will get it the first time you tell me to 'get lost'.

Because love is not about possession, love is about appreciation. 
If I can't give you what you need, letting go seems like a much better choice.