Q I M I N

i attempted describing my emotions for the past few days/weeks/months and i ended up staring at this blank space. this was what i felt, 'emptiness'. it gets so fucking bad that i'm numb and immune to this pain that i can barely feel anything any longer.
i loved people who never gave a damn about me, i cared about people who betray my trust yet i'm still the only one trying to fix things. there's a never ending list about this shit but it all boils down to one thing, i've been a fool for way too long.

sigh, time to get behind my facade x

this space has been empty for quite some time already

think i shld use this space more since i've actually put quite a lot of effort into this blog months/years ago
also will become part of my memory when i grow up i'll look back to this blog n laugh at myself for being so stupid rn
some times some things just run thru my mind, some things unbearable, some things driving me to the very edge. some people just love to see me break and wither, they throw 'love' ard simply i occasionally wonder what is it that made them this way. a past love? or smth else i dont know. but why wld they inflict this same hurt back on me. is it really fun to see me breaking at the seams, falling apart and all alone. or has it already became hobby of theirs, to hurt others. i mean i hurt people unintentionally, i tend to be overly emotionally reliant on people (which i doubt is a gd thing), but always in a rs, the other party wld tell me to rely on them on everything, they will be there etc but i've been proven otherwise. they make promises as tho its a greeting, they throw 'love' ard as tho it is worthless. many say 'hate' is a strong word they wld not like to use it to express it as a form of emotion towards someone but why so many use 'love' when they rly dont mean it. are they confused with love or they just love seeing people being broken apart at such lies.
people usually make promises they can't do, worse still forget about making such a promise which actually show how much thought they actually made into a promise. most of the time its just a casual remark.
i dont like expressing myself nowadays i can't tell people how i feel i can't let myself go anymore. i feel like some part of me is missing and maybe that part is you, i have no idea. but i wish i could fix myself and become stronger since thats what they say. "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but its already killing me right from the inside. times i feel emotionless i need a good book to actually feel, to actually feel feelings of the characters but some times i just lose touch with myself. i dont know who i am anymore. i hate being in any company with anyone i like being alone i like being in my own world where i can just keep mum abt everything n just.. maybe learn to love myself more
i think thats what i need, love myself more. i always loved others more than myself but people dont knw it til im gone or after they lose me.
thats alright for now i have nothing to say anymore
off to be in my own world x