Q I M I N

I'm utterly shattered but I've been picking up the pieces by myself, I'm doing fine I guess.
I still miss you time to time but I know I have to stay out of your way now that you have someone else. I'm even afraid to see you now, I'm afraid the feelings would come like a pang, & tear me apart. I'm only hoping you would never forget me. For you meant a lot to me, even with all that going on, and all the hurt you've made me undergo these past few weeks, I still secretly hope we still had a chance. Of course, I know now's not the time, I don't have time to commit, & you don't have feelings for me anymore. I just I'm just kinda naive in hoping we still had something.
I remember all the promises we made each other, & I know those are the exact same promises you'll be making to your new girl. "I'll never leave you." "You are my world." "You are the best, no one will ever replace you." I don't know but this break up came as a shock to me because I felt that we were doing just fine, but I guess somewhere along the way juggling with studies, work & our relationship, we lost focus of what we were fighting for. We lost ourselves trying so hard.
I choose to believe we both gave each other our very best, and that it is a loss that I have to get over because this is really not the time.
Who knows? Maybe someday in the future, you would still harbor the slightest feelings for me, and we could give this another shot.
But I know well enough that I will have to stay out of your way for now, despite how much I've fought for you the past few weeks, & despite how much I was willing to give you, I know I can't give you what someone else could give you, which is what you need.
I'm really sorry we couldn't work out, maybe I didn't show you that I wanted you bad enough, but all these is too late. There's nothing else to say that would salvage this situation. I am grateful for because of you, I finally let go of my past relationships. I used to dwell over them even though I might be in another relationship at that point of time, but you made me get over them easily. You were the best, this I can't deny, and I know I won't be your best in time to come, for I didn't give you enough. But I still hope that I made a significant impact in your life, at least make me a few chapters in your book rather than just an insignificant line.
I always thought if I tried hard enough, if I gave you enough space, if I loved you enough, we would work out. But never would I have imagined that in that time I gave you, you replaced me. I was just a rest stop for you to move on and find someone better. It is undeniably the fact but hurts me that I didn't mean as much as you meant to me.
But honestly, all this negativity got to go. I need to move on. I can't keep dwelling over you my love. My diaries are filled. I've cried buckets. I believe I've done enough trying to fight for you. I honestly do. I'm sorry but I'm going to stop caring, stop checking you up. You are fine without me, and I'm okay with that. It's really great to see you with someone else who complete you. It's honestly really great for I could never complete you, especially on all those empty nights. I'm happy for you. Although I might still be dwelling and hiding in my sad little bubble, I will stop bothering you. Because you deserve that much.
I'm letting go because I love you this much, and honestly, I'm not strong enough to stay & see you with someone else. I honestly am not strong enough for this, and for this, I'm going to move on. For myself. I'm going to start doing something for myself, I need so start loving myself. Because if I don't, no one would.
I'm not saying I won't put anyone else as my priority ever again, because I know myself that I will move on to someone else soon, and that person might be the center of my world. But for now, I'm going to treat myself better, for I realized, I've always compromised myself for the people I love and I deserve a break.

I think I'm on the verge of giving up.

I honestly wish you the best from the very bottom of my heart, we both had a lot to gain from this r/s, and we both lost tons as well. As much as I am grateful for you ever being a part of my life, I am at the same time regretful of the horrid aftermath and last few months of the r/s. It was the very first time I deeply regretted the actions I have took and if I were to choose again, I would have left it be and never started over again. We both (or was it only me) had high hopes of starting anew because we thought we settled out our feelings for one another, which was indescribable. We would never have expected this outcome, or you have had expected it all along and just wanted a toy for your needs. I have been a fool, and I will never be a fool for you again. As much as I still loved you, after discovering the truth, I know I could never be with someone as despicable as to lie to me without even batting half an eyelid. I wanted a truthful and reliable r/s whereas you were looking for a hot r/s, never actually meaning to settle down. You never meant even half of what you ever promised, much less said.
As much as I hate to admit, I constantly check on you to see how you're doing, and how you're progressing and being happy without me. And I'm glad I've always been checking on you as it let me see how fast you've move on and reminded me of what I've been to you, to actually allow me to let go.
To be honest, I took a long time to let go of us, and it didn't start from us breaking up for the final time. It started ever since we got back together. There was this intangible feeling, perhaps a premonition, that you were to leave anytime, and I had enough of my own second guessing and began to slowly move on from you, which made the whole break up a lot easier for me.
I guess, for now I am pretty happy as I'm undergoing this honeymoon period and I don't really know how to  make of this r/s. Perhaps I am afraid to fall again, but I constantly remind myself that I will not to someone else what you did to me, as they are totally undeserving. I guess I could try to be happy, and get over the fucking shit you left me with.

Friday, officially the worst day of my week.
Found out the worst things I would have never imagined, had a family member end up in the hospital. Dear God, how much more do you want to torture me? What more do you ask for from me?
It's quite sad because I was actually branded something very nasty for the things I did not do, yet for the things he did (which was way worse than mine, and I didn't know until yesterday) he still could brand me that kind of insult. What's worse is I actually asked him and he lied to me. Forgoing the fact that what he done, because he actually did it while we weren't together, but lying to me and misleading me to believe that everything was my fault was unforgivable. I even foolishly swallowed my pride, and beg, seriously lowered down my volume wailing and begging, for him to not leave. Yet at the end of the day, I felt like I've been cheated on, though it technically isn't the case.
There were so many hints by so many people, yet my love for him blinded me from seeing the truth, from seeing how he had succeeded in lying to me. I should have known, this I could only blame myself for my own ignorance.

However, discovering the truth did 2 things to me:
1) I finally feel relieved.
I know I should hate him for ever doing this to me, but I feel much more relieved as I know that I did not do anything wrong and it isn't that I'm not good enough for him. As he insisted, I now choose to believe that he does not deserve me.
2) I can finally let go.  
My own moral values make me despise people who does something like this, and as much as I would love to hate him, I can't bring myself to. But now I can easily let go, I have zero intention of going back to him/asking him back any more. I am finally free from this nightmare.

I know that this will have a very big impact on me and this should serve as a reminder to me to actually heed to other people's advice and to not be as silly as before. I don't blame anyone for this incident, only my own soft-heartedness for accepting him when he came to find me in the middle of the night. I will harden my heart and build up higher walls, unbreakable ones least he comes knocking it down again like nobody's business. I will no longer be at anyone's beck and call, I will be my own hero. I won't act like a damsel in distress as from now on, I will try to be independent. (see what being dependent on one person did to me)

This will be the start of me loving myself more than anything and anyone else.