Q I M I N

L O V I N G   Y O U


I saw him the other day.
His arms around another girl, his eyes when they met with mine--were slow in their recognition.

I wonder if he remembers what I once told him.
I will love you forever.
He had smiled at me sadly before giving his reply.
But I am so afraid you may one day stop.

Now all these years later, I am the one who is afraid. Because I love him, I still do. I haven't stopped. I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will.

I'm sorry if I lied to you when you asked me if I was okay. I'm sorry if I lied when you pointed out the marks on the back of my arms. I'm sorry if I said it was the dog, it wasn't, and as a point of fact, she has never scratched me. I'm sorry if I lied to you when you asked did you eat. I'm sorry if I lied to you about where I've been or what I've been doing. I've been in bed, wishing god would take me. I just assume people don't actually want to hear my reality.

I'm sorry if I left you. I don't really understand how to stick with people when I'm too sad to even put up with myself. I'm sorry if I don't answer your text messages. I'm sorry if I suddenly start distancing myself from you with no explanation. It's because I can't fucking breathe sometimes and too much of me wonders if you aren't better off without my endless harassment. I'm sorry if I left you even while you still saw me every day, if you watched the light die in my eyes and my smile fade.

I'm sorry if I hurt you by lashing out on a bad night. I'm sorry if I hurt you by calling your compliments lies. I'm sorry if I ripped myself open and made you watch me come apart, and I'm sorry that I come apart.

I'm sorry so much and so often and I know by now it probably means nothing but... I'm just

sorry.

I never understood how someone could just come out and say "I do not love you anymore". So casually. As if it just rolled off the tip of their tongue. After all the words and a promise of forever. After all the memories. You cannot just stop loving someone. You cannot just suddenly have change of heart.
You either love me or you never did in the first place.

I hope I find the root of my emotional wrecks. I hope I would actually stop hurting myself places where people don't see, and leave marks that don't last.

R E G R E T 

Time is irrelevant when two people are meant for each other. Its what I once believed.
But we met during a time when I was such a mess and still had so much to figure out. How could I have known how crucial every word, every action was or how losing you would be something I would always regret?
If only you could have met me now, how different would it be. How much I have changed. How I have grown. I learnt so much from all the mistakes I made with you. I just wish I had made them with someone else.

Once there was a boy who couldn't speak but owned a music box which held every song in the world. One day he met a girl who had never heard a single melody in her entire life and so he decided to play her his favourite song. He watched while her face lit up with wonder as the music filled the sky and the poetry of lyrics moved her in a way she had never felt before.

He would play his songs for her day after day and she would sit by him quietly - never seeming to mind that he could only speak to her through songs. She loved everything he played for her, but of them all - she loved the sad songs best. So he began to play them more and more until eventually, sad songs were all she heard.

One day, he noticed it had been a very long time since her last smile. When he asked her why, she took both his hands in hers and kissed them warmly. She thanked him for the gift of music and poetry but above all else - for showing her sadness because she had known neither of these things before him. But it was now time for her to go away - to find someone who could show her what happiness was.

......................................................

Do you remember the song that was playing the night we met?
No, but I remember every song I have heard since you left.