Q I M I N

Once a stranger > shoulder to cry on > good friend > lover > stranger
I spent my day cleaning my room, removing any trace of you.
As much as I miss you, I knew I needed to move on.
I'm not the one for you.
I wished I could stop pretending in front of my family.
I want to laugh like before, but every time I try to smile, my insides hurt.
Everywhere I go, there are memories of you & that hurts.
But I know why it hurts so much isn't just cause of the memories.
It is the feelings.

I wish that I had never met you.
Then there would be no need to impress you, no need to want you, no need for loving you, no need for crying over you, no need for heartbreaks, no need for pain or tears, no need for forgotten promises, no need for rejected hugs, no need for crying myself to sleep, no need for acting like you care. No need for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing.
But then again, I'm glad I did met you.
Cause you were the one who always asked me if anything was wrong, you were the one who loved me for me, the one who cared when everyone else didn't, the one who listened, the one who stayed up late just to talk about the randomest shit ever, you were the one who I told my secrets to, the one who taught me new things, the one who laughed at my bad jokes, the one who constantly teases me to make me laugh. The one who did things, just for me. 

Its funny how we would constantly delve into a world of only ourselves, yet there are times when we are really really different. I supposed the biggest difference about us was how we loved each other. I believed we really loved each other, you told me so. & what's different about us is also the fact that no matter who am I to you, when you need me, I will be willing to do anything for you. But you, will never be there when I need you.

I don't know to wish for us to be together again or not, because I really missed us. I missed being able to tell you everything I wanted to, and you would listen, or at least pretend to. But at the same time, I know being together again would just hurt you, and me.

For the time being, I will just stay around, holding on to that little flicker of hope that you still love me and would come back to me..

sometimes I feel you care about her more than me & that makes me feel like shit.

I love him. madly. to the extent that I would even give up anything for him. but after so many setbacks, I realized its not gonna settle things lying down and crying. I maintained my composure for my family, and my friends. A few days ago, I broke it. I lost my calm, collected self. I know I sound devastating but yeah. I bit my lips so hard I pleaded myself not to cry in front of everybody. I'm not gonna make anyone worry about me. so, this is my only channel of releasing my feelings.