Q I M I N

Never have I thought I would be so happy without you, remember when I cursed at the winds saying I will never get over you, I will be hung on you forever, I'm so thankful it fucking ended.
Not that I wasn't grateful it even happened to begin with, I am grateful it happened, it taught me a lot - it taught me what I didn't want in my life. I didn't want to be treated as a spare-tyre, to be constantly thrown aside when unneeded, to be used as a toy and as a stepping stone in so many aspects. I do not want to dwell on whatever happened, because it was a fucking nightmare, it was torturous to the bones and I can never forget how it felt like to be constantly enduring and treated that way. While I was honestly secretly basking in happiness about your failed relationship attempt, I was feeling pure sympathy for you, for you gave up on someone who could have gave you the world, for someone who didn't want you as much as you wanted her. And I thought for you that it might suck feeling that way as I did, having a tiny taste of your own god damned medicine. But I do not curse it upon you, neither did I wished for that to happen to you, but I do not deny that little bit of happiness when I found someone else to rely on faster than you did. That I found someone stable, and more mature and capable of handing my shitty attitude and not giving shit excuses about stuff.
Honestly, when I started dating someone younger than me again, I was afraid because of the past relationship I sacrificed quite a lot for, for a younger boy. But that was years ago, and H definitely acts more mature beyond his age. There might be times we can't stand each other, but it is all normal as at the end of the day we manage to resolve our conflicts within our quarrels and some bad tiffs at times, and now I'm rather happy to say that I don't feel stressed in a relationship with him. I'm not that afraid of losing someone, because this feels more tangible, more strongly grasped and built on a stronger foundation. For I know, he started liking me for myself and not for any form of satisfaction like some other guys would.
I am happier now than ever, and I would like to officially declare I'm over and done with you & your bullshit.

I'm utterly shattered but I've been picking up the pieces by myself, I'm doing fine I guess.
I still miss you time to time but I know I have to stay out of your way now that you have someone else. I'm even afraid to see you now, I'm afraid the feelings would come like a pang, & tear me apart. I'm only hoping you would never forget me. For you meant a lot to me, even with all that going on, and all the hurt you've made me undergo these past few weeks, I still secretly hope we still had a chance. Of course, I know now's not the time, I don't have time to commit, & you don't have feelings for me anymore. I just I'm just kinda naive in hoping we still had something.
I remember all the promises we made each other, & I know those are the exact same promises you'll be making to your new girl. "I'll never leave you." "You are my world." "You are the best, no one will ever replace you." I don't know but this break up came as a shock to me because I felt that we were doing just fine, but I guess somewhere along the way juggling with studies, work & our relationship, we lost focus of what we were fighting for. We lost ourselves trying so hard.
I choose to believe we both gave each other our very best, and that it is a loss that I have to get over because this is really not the time.
Who knows? Maybe someday in the future, you would still harbor the slightest feelings for me, and we could give this another shot.
But I know well enough that I will have to stay out of your way for now, despite how much I've fought for you the past few weeks, & despite how much I was willing to give you, I know I can't give you what someone else could give you, which is what you need.
I'm really sorry we couldn't work out, maybe I didn't show you that I wanted you bad enough, but all these is too late. There's nothing else to say that would salvage this situation. I am grateful for because of you, I finally let go of my past relationships. I used to dwell over them even though I might be in another relationship at that point of time, but you made me get over them easily. You were the best, this I can't deny, and I know I won't be your best in time to come, for I didn't give you enough. But I still hope that I made a significant impact in your life, at least make me a few chapters in your book rather than just an insignificant line.
I always thought if I tried hard enough, if I gave you enough space, if I loved you enough, we would work out. But never would I have imagined that in that time I gave you, you replaced me. I was just a rest stop for you to move on and find someone better. It is undeniably the fact but hurts me that I didn't mean as much as you meant to me.
But honestly, all this negativity got to go. I need to move on. I can't keep dwelling over you my love. My diaries are filled. I've cried buckets. I believe I've done enough trying to fight for you. I honestly do. I'm sorry but I'm going to stop caring, stop checking you up. You are fine without me, and I'm okay with that. It's really great to see you with someone else who complete you. It's honestly really great for I could never complete you, especially on all those empty nights. I'm happy for you. Although I might still be dwelling and hiding in my sad little bubble, I will stop bothering you. Because you deserve that much.
I'm letting go because I love you this much, and honestly, I'm not strong enough to stay & see you with someone else. I honestly am not strong enough for this, and for this, I'm going to move on. For myself. I'm going to start doing something for myself, I need so start loving myself. Because if I don't, no one would.
I'm not saying I won't put anyone else as my priority ever again, because I know myself that I will move on to someone else soon, and that person might be the center of my world. But for now, I'm going to treat myself better, for I realized, I've always compromised myself for the people I love and I deserve a break.