Q I M I N

Jealousy
It was the way you spoke about her.
With animosity, regret, disdain and underneath it all - just a hint of pride.

Everyone leaves something behind. Most of the time its is a memory that plays over and over and over again in your head. Or maybe it's a scar, metal pressed against your wrist in the middle of the night while you watch everything turn red, his favourite colour. It could be shattered glass on the floor from that picture frame, that had been laying face down next to the bed for months until you finally broke down and threw it against the wall at 4am, waking the neighbours. Maybe it's a dead phone better because you spent the entire night reading through the old texts and hoping that your phone will ring and maybe this time, it'll be him. Maybe he'll come back. 

I am at your beck and call, all you have to do is tug lightly, I'll be back to you. If you let loose, I'll drift further.

I don't know if I want you, he says. But I do know I don't want anyone else to have you.

It wasn't good enough, I knew that. Honestly I did. In my mind, it was crystal clear. My heart, however, was having a serious case of selective hearing. All it heard was I don't want anyone else to have you. And within that - was a glimmer of hope, a spark of optimism. 

I know better than anything that I only want you. And I know better than anyone that you don't want me. I'm tired of this, I keep promising myself I would get over you, but each and every time there's just one reason that defeats all the others that make me keep hoping that you would actually turn back and tell me I still love you. Foolish I know, but I just keep hoping because other than you, I can't imagine myself with someone else. The very thought that you have someone else you are talking to, that you might be falling or have already fallen for someone else pains me, its tortures me from the very inside of my heart. I'm done with pretending that I'm all right, that I don't need you. I just want to call you and scream how much I love you, but again, no words would describe my emotions, nothing can depict my overwhelming love for you.

I recall when you started to love me, you wanted to get close to me. You would find all sorts of reasons and excuses to see me, to spend more time with me. You pretended you kissed me on accident but I played along, I pretended I don't know anything. You held me close on the bus rides home, I loved your warmth, I loved your smell, but I never realised I was actually falling for you. I never should have done so, falling for someone is so silly, there's no one there to catch me. But still, you did. You promised to share all my joy, happiness, woes and tears, and I believed every word of it. I enjoyed every minute with you, even before we were together. When I couldn't get myself to distant from you, I knew better that I begun to love you.

After we got together, the butterflies never went away. Every time you get close, every touch, every kiss, I couldn't get over it. I feel the very tingling sensation every time you came near. And during that time, I could have never love anyone any more than I loved you. Yet I continued to fooled myself and you that I still have feelings for him, but what is that compared to what I have for you? I never realised till today. I never thought you would have made me forget every single thing about him. All I can remember is your touch, never his. Your kiss, never his. Your words, never his. Your smell, never his. I've never been so addicted to someone before its actually killing me deep inside. I want to know whatever is happening to you but I don't want to know too much. I know that it would kill every single tiny hope I have in me.

I actually believed in forever in us. I loved you because you never gave up on me no matter how much bullshits I put you through. But this time, you gave way. Maybe you had enough. Maybe I wasn't good enough. I don't want to believe I have ever been a substitution. Perhaps the reason why I often pushed you away was because I loved the way you would chase me nevertheless, because it made me feel loved. But I went too far this time round. You aren't coming back. You ain't loving me no more. And the very thought of that wrings all I have in me.

And after all this time, I'm still into you. I never realised how much I really really loved you. Thought it wasn't long, but I realised you are the most important thing to me ever, that I would actually willingly give up everything for. But guess you were too busy noticing things I did for you, that you gave up on me. Yes, I may be someone who constantly chides about giving  up, about letting you go, but I never did. I never gave up on you. instead, the one who promised everything in the world, took everything I had in my world away from me.